Listening seems like the simplest thing in the world, right? Your partner talks, you hear the words, and that’s that. But anyone who’s been in a relationship knows it’s way more complicated than that. Real listening, the kind that makes your partner feel truly safe and understood, is a skill most of us never learned growing up.
Dr. Orna Guralnik, renowned couples therapist and star of Showtime’s “Couples Therapy,” has spent decades helping partners learn to truly hear each other. Her approach goes beyond basic communication techniques to address the deeper emotional dynamics that either create safety or destroy it in relationships. This guide brings together insights from therapeutic practice with practical strategies you can start using today.
Understanding What Safe Listening Really Means
Safe listening creates an emotional environment where your partner can share their deepest thoughts without fear. It’s not about agreeing with everything they say or pretending their feelings make perfect sense to you. It’s about making space for their experience to exist without immediately judging it, fixing it, or making it about you.
When someone feels safely listened to, their nervous system literally calms down. You’ll see it in their body: shoulders drop, breathing slows, facial muscles relax. This physiological response isn’t just about feeling good. It’s about the brain registering that you’re in a safe space with a safe person.
Dr. Guralnik often talks about how couples get stuck in what she calls “defensive loops” where neither person feels heard because both are too busy protecting themselves. Breaking out of these loops requires one person to start listening differently, which eventually allows the other person to do the same.
What happens in your partner’s brain when they feel safely heard:
Their threat response system calms down and stops scanning for danger. The thinking part of their brain comes back online after being hijacked by emotion. They can access vulnerability instead of staying in protective mode. Trust hormones like oxytocin increase while stress hormones decrease. They become more open to hearing your perspective too. Memory formation improves so they actually remember the conversation positively.
What breaks down when listening feels unsafe:
Your partner’s nervous system stays activated and on alert. They keep repeating themselves because they don’t feel understood. Conversations escalate into arguments without either person knowing why. Both people walk away feeling more disconnected than before. Resentment builds as unheard feelings accumulate over time. Eventually one or both partners stop trying to communicate at all.
Stop Preparing Your Defense While They’re Still Talking
This is probably the most common listening mistake, and it happens so automatically you might not even realize you’re doing it. Your partner says something that feels like criticism or blame. Instantly, your brain starts building your defense. You’re thinking about all the reasons they’re wrong, all the ways you can explain yourself, all the evidence you have for your side of the story.
Meanwhile, they’re still talking. But you’re not really hearing them anymore because you’re too busy in your own head. By the time they finish, you haven’t absorbed what they actually said. You’ve only heard the parts that triggered your defense system.
Therapists call this “defensive listening,” and it’s one of the biggest barriers to genuine connection. Your partner can feel when you’ve checked out to prepare your counterargument. It makes them feel unimportant and unheard, which usually makes them more upset, which makes you more defensive, and the cycle continues.
Signs you’re stuck in defensive listening mode:
You interrupt to correct small details that don’t actually matter. You immediately explain why they’re wrong about how you meant something. You bring up things they’ve done wrong to balance out what they’re saying about you. You feel your heart rate increase and your body tense up while they talk. You remember your points clearly but can’t summarize what they actually said. You’re relieved when they finally stop talking so you can respond.
How to catch yourself and shift:
Notice the physical sensations that come with defensiveness in your body. Take three slow breaths before responding to anything that feels like criticism. Ask yourself what your partner might be feeling beneath their words. Remind yourself that understanding them doesn’t mean admitting you’re a terrible person. Practice saying “Tell me more about that” instead of immediately defending yourself. Write down your response if needed, then set it aside and really listen first.
The Power of Reflecting Back Without Adding Your Spin
Reflection is a therapeutic technique that sounds simple but changes everything when you actually do it. You listen to what your partner says, then you reflect it back to them in your own words to check if you understood correctly. Not parroting their exact words, but showing you grasped the meaning and feeling behind them.
Here’s why this matters: Most arguments happen because people are talking past each other. You think you understand what your partner means, but you’re actually filling in gaps with your own assumptions. Reflection forces you to slow down and actually confirm understanding before reacting.
Dr. Guralnik uses reflection constantly in her therapy sessions. When couples watch themselves being reflected accurately, they often have visible “aha” moments where they realize they’ve been misunderstanding each other for years. The simple act of being accurately understood can sometimes resolve conflicts that seemed impossible.
How to reflect effectively in real conversations:
Listen to their complete thought before formulating your reflection. Focus on both content and emotion, not just the facts. Use phrases like “What I’m hearing is…” or “It sounds like you’re feeling…” Check your understanding by asking “Is that right?” or “Did I get that?” Be genuinely curious whether you understood, not just going through motions. Accept correction gracefully if you got it wrong. Keep reflecting until they feel truly understood before sharing your side.
Common reflection mistakes that backfire:
| Just repeating | “So you feel neglected.” | Feels mechanical and uncaring | “It sounds like you’ve been feeling lonely and want more quality time together.” |
| Adding your interpretation | “You’re really saying you want to control my schedule.” | Puts words in their mouth | “Help me understand what kind of time together would feel better.” |
| Making it about you | “When you say that, I feel attacked.” | Shifts focus away from them | Reflect first, then share your feelings later |
| Being sarcastic | “Oh, so I’m the worst partner ever?” | Dismisses their experience | Take their feelings seriously even if you disagree |
| Rushing to solutions | “You feel overwhelmed, so let’s make a schedule.” | Skips validation and understanding | “That sounds really hard. What’s the most overwhelming part?” |
Learn to Sit With Uncomfortable Emotions Without Fixing Them
When your partner expresses pain, anger, sadness, or fear, every instinct in you might want to make those feelings go away. You offer solutions, try to cheer them up, tell them it’s not that bad, or get defensive about why they shouldn’t feel that way. All of these responses, though well-intentioned, send a message: “Your feelings make me uncomfortable, so please stop having them.”
Being able to sit with your partner’s difficult emotions without trying to change them is one of the most important skills in creating safety. It requires tolerating your own discomfort with their discomfort. It means trusting that they can handle their feelings and that your job isn’t to rescue them from every negative emotion.
Dr. Guralnik talks about how partners often take responsibility for each other’s emotions in unhealthy ways. One person’s sadness becomes the other person’s problem to solve. One person’s anger becomes the other person’s crisis to manage. This creates a dynamic where authentic emotional expression becomes threatening to the relationship’s stability.
What it looks like to sit with difficult emotions:
You stay physically present even when they’re crying or angry. You breathe through your own discomfort without reacting. You validate their right to feel however they’re feeling. You trust that the emotion will pass without you needing to fix it. You offer support without taking over their emotional process. You ask what they need instead of assuming you know.
Phrases that help you stay present with big feelings:
I’m here with you. This sounds really painful. I can see how much this matters to you. It makes sense that you’d feel this way. Take whatever time you need. What would feel supportive right now? I’m not going anywhere. Your feelings are important to me.
Pay Attention to What Your Body Is Communicating
Your body language speaks louder than your words, especially in intimate relationships. You can say “I’m listening” while your arms are crossed, your eyes are wandering, and your foot is tapping impatiently. Your partner will trust your body over your words every single time.
Research shows that more than half of communication happens nonverbally. When your verbal and nonverbal messages don’t match, people unconsciously trust the nonverbal one. So if you want your partner to feel safely heard, your body needs to communicate openness, presence, and genuine interest.
This doesn’t mean performing exaggerated gestures or forcing eye contact until it gets creepy. It means becoming aware of what your natural body language communicates and adjusting when needed. Small shifts in posture, facial expression, and physical orientation can dramatically change how safe your partner feels opening up to you.
Body language that creates safe listening:
Facing your partner directly instead of at an angle. Maintaining soft, natural eye contact without staring. Keeping your arms uncrossed and your posture open. Nodding slightly to show you’re tracking what they’re saying. Leaning in slightly to show interest and engagement. Matching their emotional tone with your facial expressions. Putting away phones, remotes, or other distractions completely.
Body language that shuts down communication:
Looking at screens, clocks, or around the room while they talk. Crossing your arms defensively or turning your body away. Sighing heavily or rolling your eyes. Maintaining a blank, emotionless expression while they share feelings. Fidgeting constantly or appearing bored and impatient. Standing over them when they’re sitting, creating a power imbalance. Physically pulling away when they’re being vulnerable.
Ask Questions That Open Up Rather Than Shut Down
The questions you ask shape the entire conversation. Closed questions that can be answered with yes or no tend to shut things down. Open questions that invite elaboration create space for your partner to share more of their inner experience.
But it’s not just about open versus closed questions. It’s about the spirit behind your questions. Are you asking because you genuinely want to understand their world better? Or are you asking leading questions designed to trap them or make your point? Your partner can feel the difference immediately.
Dr. Guralnik models a particular style of questioning that therapists call “curious inquiry.” It’s asking questions from a place of genuine not-knowing, even about a partner you’ve been with for years. It assumes that there’s always more to learn about how your partner experiences things, even familiar situations.
Questions that invite deeper sharing:
What’s that experience like for you? Can you help me understand what you’re feeling? What’s the hardest part about this situation? How does that affect you when it happens? What do you need from me right now? What would make this feel better for you? What matters most to you about this? How long have you been carrying this?
Questions that create defensiveness and distance:
Why would you even think that? Don’t you remember when you did the same thing? Are you really going to be upset about this? Have you tried just not worrying about it? Isn’t that a bit of an overreaction? Why can’t you just let this go? Are you trying to start a fight right now? What do you want me to do about it?
Make Space for Silence and Processing Time
Most people are deeply uncomfortable with silence in conversations. The moment there’s a pause, we rush to fill it with words, any words, just to avoid that awkward quiet. But in intimate conversations, silence is where the real stuff often lives.
When you allow silence after your partner says something, you give them space to go deeper. They might say something, pause, and then say what they really meant but needed a moment to access. If you jump in too quickly with your response or your next question, you’ll miss the deeper truth they were working up courage to share.
Silence also shows respect for your partner’s process. Not everyone processes verbally at the same speed. Some people need quiet moments to find the right words for complicated feelings. When you’re comfortable with those pauses, you communicate that you’re not in a rush, that their pace is fine, that you can handle the discomfort of not filling every moment with noise.
When to intentionally use silence:
After your partner shares something emotionally heavy or vulnerable. When you ask a question that requires real thought to answer. When they seem to be searching for words to express something. After they cry or show strong emotion. When you notice them starting to go deeper into their feelings. Right after conflict when both people need to calm down. Before responding to something that triggered a defensive reaction in you.
What silence communicates to your partner:
I’m patient with your process and not rushing you. I trust you to find what you need to say. I can handle emotional intensity without needing to escape. Your feelings and thoughts are worth waiting for. I’m fully present, not just waiting for my turn to talk. Discomfort is okay and doesn’t need to be immediately fixed.
Validate Their Experience Even When You See It Differently
This is the hardest listening skill for most people to master. Validation means acknowledging that your partner’s feelings and perspective make sense from their point of view, even if you completely disagree with that point of view. It’s not about lying or pretending they’re right when you think they’re wrong. It’s about recognizing that their experience is real and valid for them.
People often confuse validation with agreement. They think: “If I validate their feeling, I’m saying they’re right and I’m wrong.” But that’s not what validation does. It creates enough safety for your partner to feel understood, which actually makes them more open to hearing your different perspective.
Dr. Guralnik emphasizes that most relationship conflicts aren’t about who’s objectively right. They’re about two people having different subjective experiences and both needing those experiences to be acknowledged. When both people feel validated, finding solutions becomes dramatically easier.
How validation sounds in practice:
I can understand why you’d see it that way. That makes sense given what you experienced. I can see how that would hurt. Your feelings are legitimate. I get why that would frustrate you. That sounds really hard from your position. I can see how you’d come to that conclusion. It’s reasonable that you’d feel that way.
What breaks trust faster than almost anything:
You’re overreacting to this situation. You’re too sensitive about everything. That’s not actually a big deal. You shouldn’t feel that way about it. I didn’t mean it that way so you shouldn’t be hurt. Other people deal with worse and don’t complain. You’re being dramatic about this. Just get over it already. Stop making such a big deal out of nothing.
Stop Interrupting Even When You Think You Know What They’ll Say
Interrupting is one of the most common and most damaging listening failures in relationships. You think you know where your partner is going with their thought, so you jump in to save time. Or you get triggered by something they said and can’t wait to respond. Or you just get excited and want to contribute.
Whatever the reason, interrupting sends a clear message: “What I have to say is more important than what you’re saying.” Even if that’s not your intention, that’s what your partner experiences. And when it happens repeatedly, they stop bothering to share things with you because they know they won’t get to finish their thoughts anyway.
Some couples develop interrupting patterns where both people do it, and it becomes the normal rhythm of their conversations. But just because it’s normalized doesn’t mean it’s not damaging. These couples often report feeling chronically unheard despite talking to each other constantly.
Common interrupting patterns that damage safety:
| Interrupting Style | What It Looks Like | Impact on Partner | How to Stop |
|---|---|---|---|
| The mind reader | “I know what you’re going to say…” | Feels dismissed and not worth listening to | Let them finish, even if you think you know |
| The storytopper | Immediately sharing your own related story | Feels like conversations are competitions | Save your story until they fully finish |
| The solution jumper | Cutting in with advice mid-sentence | Feels rushed and not understood | Ask if they want solutions before offering |
| The detail corrector | Interrupting to fix small factual errors | Feels nitpicked and shut down | Let minor details go; focus on their meaning |
| The defensive reactor | Jumping in as soon as they criticize | Feels unsafe bringing up problems | Breathe, count to three, then respond |
| The conversation hijacker | Changing the subject before they finish | Feels unimportant and invisible | Acknowledge their topic before switching |
Be Honest When You Don’t Have the Capacity to Listen Well
Sometimes you’re just not in a state where you can listen the way your partner deserves. You’re exhausted, overwhelmed, hungry, angry about something else, or mentally preoccupied. Trying to force yourself to listen well in these moments often backfires because you end up listening badly, which is worse than not listening at all.
Being honest about your capacity is actually a form of respect. It says: “This conversation matters enough to me that I want to give it my full attention, and I can’t do that right now. Can we talk about this at a specific time when I can really be present?”
The key is offering an alternative time and following through. If you keep saying “not now” without ever making time, you’re just avoiding. But if you genuinely reschedule and show up fully when you said you would, your partner learns to trust that postponing doesn’t mean dismissing.
How to postpone without dismissing:
Be specific about when you can talk, not vague. Acknowledge that what they want to discuss matters. Take responsibility for your current state without blaming them. Ask if it’s urgent or if your suggested time works. Follow through absolutely when the time comes. Prepare yourself to be fully present during the rescheduled conversation.
What to say when you need to postpone:
I really want to hear about this, but I’m too tired to give it proper attention right now. Can we talk tomorrow morning after I’ve had coffee? This sounds important and I want to be fully present. Can we set aside time tonight when I’m not distracted by work? I’m not in a good headspace right now, but I care about this. How about we talk during our walk later? I’m too hungry and grumpy to listen well. Can we talk about this after dinner?
Notice Patterns in How and When Breakdowns Happen
Every couple has predictable patterns in their communication breakdowns. Maybe you always stop listening well when you’re tired. Maybe your partner shuts down when conversations happen in the car. Maybe certain topics always derail into arguments. Becoming aware of these patterns is the first step to changing them.
Dr. Guralnik helps couples map their relational patterns so they can catch themselves before falling into familiar destructive cycles. Once you recognize “Oh, this is that thing we do where I get defensive and then you withdraw,” you can potentially interrupt the pattern before it fully takes hold.
These patterns usually developed for good reasons. Maybe you learned to shut down because expressing feelings wasn’t safe in your family growing up. Maybe your partner learned to keep pushing because otherwise they’d never be heard. Understanding the origin of patterns helps create compassion for yourself and your partner, even while working to change them.
Questions to help identify your listening patterns:
What time of day do our conversations go worst? Which topics consistently trigger defensiveness in me? What does my partner do that makes me immediately stop listening? When do I feel most able to listen openly? What physical or emotional states make me a worse listener? Which of our relationship dynamics do we keep recreating? What was I learning about listening in my family growing up?
Common patterns that interfere with safe listening:
One person overfunctions by always being the listener while the other underfunctions. The “demand-withdraw” pattern where one pushes for connection while the other retreats. Fighting about surface issues while avoiding deeper underlying problems. One person becoming the designated problem while the other is the helper. Bringing up issues only during fights when emotions are already high. Waiting until resentment builds before saying anything. Assuming you know what your partner will say so you stop really listening.
Use Repair Strategies When Listening Breaks Down
You will mess up. You’ll interrupt, get defensive, dismiss their feelings, or just zone out when you should be paying attention. What matters most isn’t perfection, it’s how quickly and effectively you repair when things go wrong.
Repair means acknowledging the rupture and working to reconnect. It might be as simple as “I’m sorry, I just interrupted you. Please continue.” Or it might require a bigger conversation where you acknowledge that you weren’t really listening and you want to try again.
Research on successful long-term relationships shows that the ability to repair is actually more important than avoiding conflicts or mistakes. Couples who repair well bounce back quickly from disconnection. Couples who can’t repair let small ruptures accumulate into major rifts.
Effective repair strategies after listening failures:
Name what you did that broke the connection. Take responsibility without making excuses or getting defensive. Ask if they’re willing to continue the conversation. Show better listening the second time around. Thank them for being patient with your process. Acknowledge any hurt you caused by listening poorly. Commit to doing better going forward and actually follow through.
What makes repair attempts fail:
Half-hearted apologies that blame the other person. Saying sorry just to end the conflict without meaning it. Making the same mistake repeatedly without real change. Getting defensive when they don’t immediately accept your repair. Using your repair as leverage later in arguments. Requiring them to accept your repair before they’re ready. Expecting one apology to undo patterns of poor listening.
Create Regular Rituals for Meaningful Conversation
Don’t wait for problems to practice good listening. Create regular times when you intentionally connect and practice being fully present with each other. This might be a daily check-in over morning coffee, a weekly relationship meeting, or a monthly deeper conversation about how things are going.
These rituals normalize talking about feelings and the relationship itself. They make it safe to bring up small concerns before they become big problems. They also give you chances to practice listening skills during lower-stakes conversations so those skills are available during higher-stakes ones.
The structure of these rituals matters less than the consistency and the quality of presence you bring. Some couples do formal check-ins with prepared questions. Others just commit to phone-free dinner conversation every night. Find what works for your relationship and actually stick to it.
Ideas for connection rituals that build listening skills:
Daily five-minute check-ins where each person shares one thing from their day. Weekly relationship meetings where you discuss what’s working and what needs attention. Monthly deeper conversations about goals, dreams, and feelings. Morning coffee or tea time with phones completely away. Evening walks where you decompress and share. Weekend breakfasts where you talk about the week ahead. Bedtime sharing of something you appreciated about each other that day.
What makes these rituals actually work:
Both people commit to showing up consistently. Distractions are genuinely eliminated, not just minimized. There’s no agenda beyond connection and understanding. Neither person dominates or makes it all about them. You practice the listening skills outlined in this guide. You both feel safe bringing up concerns or appreciation. The ritual feels like something you want to do, not an obligation.
Understand How Your Past Affects Your Listening
The way you listen today was shaped by everything you experienced growing up. If you grew up in a family where feelings were dismissed, you might automatically dismiss your partner’s feelings. If you grew up where conflict meant violence, you might shut down at the first sign of disagreement. If you grew up fighting to be heard, you might interrupt constantly without realizing it.
Understanding these patterns isn’t about blaming your parents or making excuses. It’s about recognizing that you’re running old programming that might not serve your current relationship. Once you see the pattern, you can start making conscious choices instead of automatic reactions.
Dr. Guralnik often helps individuals understand their “attachment style” and how it affects their relationships. People with anxious attachment might need constant reassurance while listening. People with avoidant attachment might check out emotionally when things get intense. Recognizing your style helps you work with it rather than being controlled by it.
Questions to understand your listening history:
How were feelings handled in your family growing up? What happened when you expressed sadness, anger, or fear? Were you allowed to disagree with your parents? How did your caregivers listen to each other? What did you learn about whose feelings mattered most? Were your emotional needs generally met or dismissed? How did conflict get handled in your family? What conclusions did you draw about sharing vulnerabilities?
Common ways past experiences affect current listening:
You minimize feelings because yours were minimized. You get defensive because criticism felt dangerous. You interrupt because you had to fight to be heard. You fix problems because feelings weren’t allowed. You withdraw because conflict felt scary or unsafe. You demand reassurance because you felt unseen. You avoid intimacy because vulnerability led to hurt.
Make Your Partner’s Inner World a Place of Genuine Curiosity
After being with someone for years, it’s easy to think you know everything about them. You can predict their reactions, finish their sentences, and explain their behavior to others. But this assumption of complete knowledge often stops you from really listening because you think you already know what they’ll say.
True listening requires maintaining curiosity about your partner’s inner world, even after decades together. People change, grow, and develop new layers of meaning about old experiences. The story your partner told five years ago might have different emotional resonance today. Their needs evolve. Their perspectives shift. Assuming you know everything closes off the possibility of truly hearing them now.
Dr. Guralnik encourages couples to approach each other as mysteries to be gradually understood rather than puzzles they’ve already solved. This attitude of curiosity keeps relationships alive and makes partners feel seen in their current reality rather than trapped in who they used to be.
Ways to cultivate ongoing curiosity:
Ask questions about things you think you already know. Assume your partner has changed since the last time you discussed something. Notice when you’re predicting their response and check if you’re right. Be genuinely interested in how they’re experiencing familiar situations. Look for what’s different rather than what’s the same. Ask about their inner experience, not just external facts. Stay open to being surprised by new aspects of who they are.
Signs you’ve stopped being curious about your partner:
You regularly finish their sentences for them. You explain them to others as if you’re the expert. You get impatient when they take time to express themselves. You’re surprised when you realize you don’t know basic things about them. You assume their feelings without checking. You’ve stopped asking questions because you think you know the answers. You feel bored by conversations with them.
Building a Foundation of Safety Through Consistent Listening
Creating real emotional safety through listening isn’t about mastering a few techniques and checking it off your list. It’s about showing up consistently, day after day, year after year, with genuine intention to understand your partner’s world. Some days you’ll do it beautifully. Other days you’ll fall short. What matters is your commitment to keep trying.
The beautiful thing about listening skills is that they compound over time. Every time you listen well, you make a deposit into your relationship’s trust account. Your partner feels a little safer being vulnerable. They open up a little more. You understand them a little better. This creates a positive cycle where good listening leads to more openness, which leads to deeper connection, which motivates even better listening.
Start where you are. Pick one or two strategies from this guide that resonate most with you. Practice them intentionally in your next few conversations. Notice what changes. Ask your partner what makes them feel most heard and do more of that. Be patient with yourself and with the process.
Your relationship will have listening breakdowns. You’ll hurt each other, misunderstand each other, and fail to show up perfectly. But if you can repair those breakdowns with humility and genuine care, if you can keep returning to the intention of really hearing each other, you’ll build something solid. You’ll create a relationship where both people feel safe enough to be fully themselves, which is ultimately what we’re all looking for in partnership.
The work of listening deeply is the work of love. It’s choosing to set aside your own agenda, your defenses, your need to be right, and genuinely trying to understand another person’s experience. When you do this consistently, you create the kind of safety that allows true intimacy to flourish. That’s the gift of listening well, and it’s worth every bit of effort it requires.
